This is the first Sunday of Advent. It is the beginning of a new church year according to the church liturgical calendar. Of course it is an arbitrary choice to make this the beginning and not some other Sunday the beginning. God did not say that this Sunday should mark the first of the year. It does not say that this Sunday is anything special in scripture. It comes from a church tradition that is very old but based on little else than an arbitrary choice. But I don’t mind because it gives us a chance to think about new beginnings and that is worthwhile anytime.

There is no time that a renewed beginning is not welcome. It is completely appropriate, anytime in the church, because renewal is perhaps the most central theme in Christianity. From the words of Jesus that begin the Gospel of Mark, “The time is fulfilled, and the Kingdom of God is at hand; repent and believe in the gospel.” (Mark 1:14) to the resurrection, the Gospel story is about renewal, starting again, regeneration, a second chance. That is the hallmark of our God.

A few weeks ago I talked about Jesus and his penchant for talking about the end time. It is a habit that Christians have always had a hard time explaining. But I believe it is perfectly appropriate to one who proclaims the good news of renewal and return. Because as I explained a few weeks ago when Jesus spoke about the end, he was really speaking about a new beginning. And that is perfectly consistent with the man who spoke of love and hope and faith the way that he did. The good news of renewal is excellent news for me because presently my spirit is in the middle of a renewal and today, most appropriately, on the first day of the new liturgical year I would like to tell you how this happened.

About a year ago I felt a very strong pull for renewal in my own faith. It came from a source that had bothered me about my faith for a long long time. It was actually an irritant in my ministry. But that is all it was so I ignored it mostly. But it would come up here and there and time and again.

The irritant was this. I was ambivalent about being a minister. I was ambivalent about being a minister because I was ambivalent about Christianity. I was ambivalent about Christianity because there were parts of the faith that I found abhorrent. But for the most part I had always passed those things off as parts of the religion that I would just have to accept to have this relationship with God.

I don’t know why but sometime last year I decided I didn’t want to live with this ambivalence any more and I was going to get to the bottom of this irritant. I was going to address the questions and doubts I had regardless of where they lead me or their consequences. I didn’t care if I ended up a Buddhist I wanted to get straight with Christianity.

My search took the form of preparing lectures. I knew that if I took on the task of lecturing on particular subjects I would have to research them thoroughly. So I began with my first irritant: orthodoxy. I have always hated the idea that religion, our religion has put a premium on people believing the same exact way. Conformity of belief seems essential to the church but it never seemed very essential to my spirit. In fact in my most spirit filled moments I have felt the most creative, and free, and close to God in a way that makes most dogma about God superfluous. And, further I knew that the church had a long history of violence against those who were not orthodox. And it is a violence that goes on today. That is not what God wants. How could it be in the church? A focus on orthodoxy has always made me ambivalent about the church.

Well my research was enlightening. I came to find out that the whole idea of orthodoxy was very much a political concern powered by political forces. Orthodoxy was maintained for power and control. Orthodoxy’s power comes from fear and not any ultimate divine authority. And the church has been anything but the model of Christ like behavior because of its over riding interest in orthodoxy. I came to the conclusion that it has no place in the church. I even had the radical thought that such long held doctrines like the atonement and the trinity are debatable and should be revisited because I don’t find them helpful. In fact I am convinced that all things of God should be open to debate and discussion because the truth is that no one knows. We have our beliefs but no one knows and our beliefs benefit from debate and discussion. Our faith grows in such dialogue.

In those lectures I discovered a lot about the early church and I was excited to know more. So I took a greater risk. I had always thought I don’t like the way the church seems to harbor such suspicion towards the Jews and vice versa. This is a sore spot with me. I believe that it is astounding that the two religions have grown so far apart. I wanted to know why. So I set up another series of lectures about Christian anti-Semitism. It was shocking what I found. I had believed that I would discover that anti-Semitism had entered the church when the church became the state religion of the Roman Empire. I thought I would find that it was a Pagan idea, not a Christian idea to be so opposed to the Jews. Nothing could be further from the truth. Early Christian literature is filled with anti-Jewish argument. Some of the great saints of the early church have tracts that if they were published today could only exist on one of those awful websites. The church and the synagogue became bitter rivals in the latter part of the first century and some of that rivalry is reflected in our Holy Scripture. That has fueled an anti-Jewish sentiment in the church for most of its history. And in the light of the holocaust and a long history of Christian violence against Jews that is worse than tragic.

In the midst of this study I confided in someone that I was losing my religion. I preached a Good Friday sermon that was so dark and so despairing. I know it was shocking for many of the people there. It was shocking for me.

My journey seemed to be leading me away from the religion I loved. I was not comforted. But I was committed to following this through.

So in the fall I decided to press on. I have always wanted to know why we Christians think that we have the inside track on heaven. It has always bothered me. This was the most fascinating of the three series. Did you know that Jesus probably did not picture heaven in the same way we do at all? Our ideas of heaven really have origins outside of Judaism and Christianity; in other words they are pagan in origin. That does not make them bad it just makes them something other then Jesus probably preached. I found out that most of the exclusive material about heaven and who goes to heaven is found in John which is the latest gospel and reflects a particular historical situation rather than Jesus’ true beliefs about heaven.

It was so enlightening and exciting to learn so much that I hadn’t known before. But more important than that, is that in this subject I found finally what I was looking for. I found the truth that has given my faith the shape that I needed. I have been freed of my ambivalence in a powerful way. And it has renewed my faith in this God of second chances.

But the problem is that I can’t tell you now. I have run out of time. I can’t tell you next week either because it is Choir Sunday. The week after that, Melanie preaches. So I plan to tell you all about it on the morning of Christmas Eve. I think that is appropriate.